As I participate in the Sacred Economics Retreat at The Inner Garden this weekend, I will share some of my musing here with you.

Lately, I have been asking myself about all sorts of things related to money:
~ Why do I work 60 hours a week, often every day of the week? Am I not working so that I can live my life? Why is my self esteem so dependent on my work rather than my being?
~ Why do I take in more money from my business each year, yet still earn just about what I would get if I were on welfare?
~ How do I change my feelings from desperation and grasping to gratitude and abundance? I have everything I need and more!
~ Can I live out my values by operating my business more on a Gift Economy basis? Can my head and heart survive this experiment in trust?

I am still struck by the idea that I have a duty to succeed as a Green Entrepreneur so that I can set an example for others to follow. I can't do that if I am overworked, feel underpaid and undervalued, and can't afford to do the things I want to do in life.

Tad Hargrave of www.MarketingForHippies.com wrote a blog piece I most appreciated. "Why Charging What You're Worth Is Bullshit" http://marketingforhippies.com/why-charging-what-youre-worth-is-bullshit/ Go ahead and read it! It boils down to this: When you pay a contractor to fix your porch, you are paying her or him for the job done, not what s/he is worth as a person.

My own thoughts run along these lines: What a person is "worth" is a barrel full of monkeys - it's about social status, oppression, self esteem, social stigma, the valueing of "intellectual" non survival labour over physical hands on survival labour. The lowest paying tasks are the most important to humanity: childbearing, child rearing, teaching, growing and preparing food etc. Paying some people such as "consultants" $200 an hour, and others such as palm wax gatherers $.08 cents an hour offends me deeply. I absolutely do not want to buy into this system of valueing!

I also think about all the discomfort I feel around those I believe are wealthier than me, and those I believe are poorer than me. I believe against all reason that I am constantly being judged as to how much money I am worth - am I asking too much? Too little? If they knew what I earned, would they pay me less? For every bundle of praises I receive, I might receive a "meh" or a criticism. And that criticism stays with me like a splinter.

I think about my own self esteem struggles, about how I was bullied so mercilessly in Junior High that the guidance counsellor actually suspended me so that the school could run an anti bullying session without me there. I know all about it because of course they teased me mercillessly afterwards. They had pieces of paper with IALAC written on them that stood for I Am Loveable And Capable. For the remainder of the school year, the boys (mostly) would write IALAC on slips of paper and tear the paper in my face or in my ear, and slip the papers in my books, locker etc.

Yet, you are not paying me to be me, Loveable and Capable. You are spending money for products made from the best ingredients that I know are great value. You are spending money to learn skills that will last you a lifetime, and maybe even help you build a business. You are buying wholesome ingredients and essential oils at a fraction of the cost of inferior ingredients elsewhere.

So this summer's challenge to my head and heart is to let go and see if you, my clients, are happy to pay the cost of things and chip in for my labour. I am just getting my feet wet in this Gift Economy Experiment. Here are some ways I will work it:

When you come to fill an order at Anarres, I will offer you the choice of the posted price, or cost plus sliding scale "gift" for my labour. I recognize that many people feel discomfort not knowing the right price to pay. And many people come from bargaining cultures where the first price given is not expected to be the final price. So I will give you a choice to participate or not.

I am not offering pay-what-you-want for materials and goods because I don't (yet) trust that my clients will cover my costs.

You may have had the experience of my asking you for a "donation" for a service rather than a set fee. I will continue this practice.

I will be posting some items for sale online at cost plus sliding scale for labour. Right now, my Tinctures and Solar Flower Essences are listed this way. http://www.anarreshealth.ca/node/1740
Try it out and tell me how it feels!

I welcome your comments, your thoughts, your suggestions below.